Written By RC
James, a local firefighter, has been single for more than a year and says he’s looking for a woman who can polarize the family group chat. James says he’s starting to feel pressure from his family to find the wrong partner. Barbra, James’s mother, told reporters that “James needs a woman who will say some shit during family gatherings. I need something new to bitch about and a reason to drink two bottles of wine. I’m going to drink anyway, but without a charlatan to blame it on, I feel like an alcoholic.”
Linda, James’s older sister, is a well-adjusted young woman with a stable career and a loving husband, but has been forced to take on the role of family drama queen. A mantle once held by Great Aunt Sue, may she rest in peace. Linda says she’s tired of having to make bad decisions and cause controversy just so the family has something to talk about. The forced drama has caused an unnecessary strain on her marriage.
James has done everything he can think of to find the wrong person to settle down with. Over the last 6 months, the young man has gone on dates with three redheads and two gothic women. The family was shocked to learn that all five women were competent adults with clearly defined boundaries. James admits that dating women based on stereotypes has exposed him to his own cultural blind spots. The experiences have really helped him to grow as a person, ironically making it harder for him to attract the wrong woman. James’s dating profile now reads “Must have a bouquet of red flags.” With Christmas around the corner, James is hoping for a holiday train wreck.
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